The Sweet Karolina

Hey did you guys notice the video section on her blog? If you have not already you need to check them out. Spank material, just sayin'.

Q out!

Newspaper Column: Get touched by the holiday spirit

By GORDON KEITH

It all started with a large candy cane, a big, giant 25-foot candy cane. Jack, my neighbor, has run up the score on me for years with his over-the-top Christmas decorations: mechanical Santas descending ladders, false reindeer with working digestive tracts, a sleigh that traverses his yard before ascending a fake snow-covered roof and ejecting presents. Once he even hired a "Mary" to simulate birth in a manger ringed with twinkling lights.
Top-notch stuff.
I am different. Outside of that one year the cops made me take down my Santa-on-a-scaffold- with-a- noose-around-his- neck-and-sign- pinned-to-his- chest-that-read-"Joy-to-the- Wurld-I'm-out," I have never done much in the way of yard decorations. It never seemed like a big deal. Until Jack erected the 25-foot candy cane.
"Howdy, neighbor. Gonna put up a couple strands of lights this year?" Jack said as he fiddled with a plug in the darkness behind his hedge.
"Probably not, Jack."
"Yeah? Well check this out, Grinch," and he threw a switch. An enormous candy cane appeared in his yard with a large picture of a winking Jack in a Santa hat. His kids came out and hugged him around the leg, and he sneered at me and cackled as if he had just been named my parents' sole heir.
That's it, I'm going to Wal-Mart, I thought.
The Christmas aisle was teeming, bottlenecks of carts forming and children darting away from barking parents. A man in jogging shorts passed behind me just as I took a step backward, and then IT HAPPENED. My right hand grazed a floppy bit of proud flesh at the point of his shorts. What just happened? After 1.3 second of hang time, the sensation registered, and my eyes got wide.
"What the ..." I heard him utter.
I turned around and immediately avoided eye contact. "Oh dude, I'm so sorry. Man, dude, totally an accident. ..." In my fumbling explanation, I kept repeating phrases often associated with heterosexuals, like "marriage" and "religious right," but he was having none of it.
"I'm getting security. There are kids around here, for God's sake." He disappeared into the crowd.
I scrambled for the nearest fire exit and sprinted across the parking lot toward my car. I ran into my house, jumped into the shower and began to vigorously scrub.
Never envy another man's candy cane. In my case, it led to another kind of envy.


Tell Gordon more sordid Wal-Mart tales at gordon@gordonkeith.com. Listen to him on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 6 to 10a.m.

I have already ordered 4 copies for Christmas gifts!

http://littledemocrats.net/index.html

Picture Closet Cleaning

Thanksgiving, I think?

This year marks the first year in my life that my family has not gotten together for the food, argumenting, humiliation and fist fighting that is Thanksgiving. I kind of miss the dried out turkey and the overcooked ham. I miss the giblet gravy and the super rich creamed potatoes. I miss the pumpkin, sweet potato and apple pies. I miss playing some football during halftime. I really do miss the family gathering. With a lot of the elder members of my family passing away I am sure that get togethers will be few and farther between. We used to get together every year at my Uncle Doug's house, he was the youngest brother to my grandmother and all in all a fun guy to be around, for every occasion, it was great. For those of you who have been to my house his house was what I refer to as the home place, as it was my great great grandparents'. Two of my cousins have set the pasture by that house on fire on different occasions, I broke one of my cousin's noses with a football one year in the yard. The times that we have with family are limited and I know that I did not think about it when I was trying to get out of going to them when I was younger. This year I actually ate Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant, there are apparently a lot of people that do this, but I enjoy the home cooked store bought meals had with the people that you only want to see twice a year opposed to great food from a nice restaurant, with people that you see all the time. So this year it was not like Thanksgiving to me, it was more like...well, my birthday except without the presents.

Interesting Horse Info

The Greatest 3 Minutes in Television History

Mr. James: "The original title of this book was 'Jimmy James, Capitalist Lion Tamer' but I see now that it's... 'Jimmy James, Macho Business Donkey Wrestler'... you know what it is... I had the book translated in to Japanese then back in again into English. Macho Business Donkey Wrestler... well there you go... it's got kind of a ring to it don't it? Anyway, I wanted to read from chapter three... which is the story of my first rise to financial prominence... I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street... many days no business come to my hut... my hut... but Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no. I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung. ...Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey."

Question: "Mr. James, what did you mean when you wrote bad clown making like super American car racers, I would make them sweat, War War?"
Mr. James: "Well, you know... it's LIKE when a clown is making like a car... racer... it's sorta... like... the FCC. The CLOWN... the clown is like the FCC... and I was opposed to the FCC at the time, right? So it was like I was declaring War. WARRRR!"

Question: "So then did the American yum yum clown monkey also represent the FCC?"
Mr. James: "Yeah, it did. Thanks a LOT!"

Question: "What did you mean when you said, "Feel my skills, donkey donkey donkey, donkey donkey?"
Mr. James: *Sigh*

The have not had a case of it this bad since I was 16

My Generic Fantasy Football Post.

I have never really been a fan but...

Keith Olbermann has won me over with his article about the joke that John Kerry made in South Carolina. Link To It

It's Skootstastic